By Ed Tasca

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Military and security systems of any kind are socialist. Because they are controlled by the government and represent the will of the collective. And in the event that a loosely-threaded administration got into power and is pissing everybody off, maybe that government’s giving me, personally, a bad name.

Now, have you ever asked the question, why don’t countries privatize defense systems and the military? So that each of us can choose whom we believe represents a threat and should be taken out. Of course, you have!  It’s the ultimate Disney fantasy. Swimwiththefishesland. But it’s the real thing. 

In a true free-market system where competition and consumer choices should make up the pulse of any industry, isn’t it only fair that we get to pick and choose our enemies, and be able to act accordingly by providing the military wherewithal to take them out. The system is ages-old. Mercenaries, Samurai, The Swiss Guard, Condottieri, French waiters – all paid warriors determined to rid places of their employer’s enemies.

MILITARY INSURANCE. Our crack insurance industry would have a whole new liability category they could exploit.  Like they did with “accidental death insurance” that pays benefits only if you’re polished to death by a Zamboni.  This would be chest-pounding free-enterprise designed to enthrone you as Commander in Chief or, more accurately, cappo di tutti cappi. It would provide you with military options the way health insurance provides you with medical and surgical options. Call on Special Ops, surveillance capabilities, spies, misinformation experts, wall-building engineers, exploding Samsung batteries, the lot. And don’t forget those drones and F16 Fighter Jets. (And there’s more, if you enroll before the July 4th Sale ends.)

With the right insurance policy and the right qualifications, you can set the crosshairs roaming on jihad groups, drug cartels and anybody with leaf blowers. Or, if the nation of Lichtenstein pisses you off for any reason you can organize a coup and make yourself Prince, as long as you have the Conquistador Insurance Rider.

Equally important, the costly bureaucracy and outrageous spending of the U.S. government’s military complex is eliminated. With that extra five or six trillion dollars, the U.S. could then buy Saudi Arabia. And move it to Idaho. Let’s see if their Royal Family can grow a potato.

How is such insurance possible you ask, if you’re still with me and haven’t turned to the cover to make sure you’re not reading Soldier of Fortune Magazine.

The first question would be what area of the globe you’d like to cover: The whole globe, one hemisphere, a continent, a region, a country, or just your particular town or neighborhood. This choice will of course impact your insurance premium, but you could join up with others and share grievances and geographic locations. This is called an alliance, and, if you’re bigly smart, you really don’t need it. Not surprisingly, there would be pre-existing conditions that could disqualify you for certain coverage: Do you believe you may be under attack from enemies of freedom, decency and democratic processes, such as, say, members of your current government.

Is your Facebook page permanently in Farsi?/Do you believe foreign agents can trace your family back to the “old country”?/Are you wearing a tattoo of Putin drinking from someone’s post-surgical pre-frontal lobe./Do you have alternative protection. Are you a made man?/ Do you travel cross-border and internationally with a firearm? If not, why not?

Finally, you have plan options to consider: Basic Plan. Coverage extends only to home invasion by alien zombies and extends to battles taking place up to and including your local 7/11. Your fire team would be armed with paint guns and led by mayors from Texas border towns. (Not recommended) Bronze Plan. Would be similar to the Basic Plan, but it would also include neck tattoos, cigarillos, night vision goggles, tactical military planning based on reenactments of the Second Battle of Manassas. And some dental coverage. (Not recommended) The Silver Plan would be the principal selection for most. Often called the “Forget Sanctions” Plan. With it, you’d head down to your local armory where hired contractors sit in conference – like walk-in clinics.  Fill out a short report that a nation or rogue group has pissed you off. You’re not crazy about the olive oil you’re getting from Italy because they’re diluting it with Canola oil?! Boots on the ground til they straighten up! Warning shots over Naples. Don’t get upset. Get the Silver Plan.

Finally, there’s the White Gold Supremacy Plan. It includes a cutting-edge remote that allows you to laser into Highly-Covert Special Forces located everywhere in the world, especially under Kim Jung Un’s hammock, a message to immediately step in and secure a cease and desist, including any ad hoc persuading, over whomever is screwing with nice people. This plan would be a huge hit while watching the news. You just click your remote and wherever somebody’s acting like scumbags, you just make their whole land masses disappear. Plus, you’d get bonus points every time you used this coverage. With enough points, you would then be able to plan Armageddon. And, get this, select your own judges for Judgment Day. And all this would be carried out at your command by Giant A.I. Transformers.  (Definitely recommended.)

Uninsureds? You could be subsidized by NRA’s Poor People’s Action Group, providing you with automatic weapons, military instructions and night goggles. They will also train as snipers all children over the age of five.


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