The 1860 Southern Plantation Company
By J. C. Kottler
(Ed. Note: Please keep in mind that what follows is satire, with the author’s tongue placed firmly in his cheek.)
Michelle Bachman and Rick Santorum recently signed a marriage pledge which said, “. . . a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.” Many critics have deplored the implication that slavery, in any way, was a good thing. I just interviewed the famous right-wing billionaire, Reginald Clam III, and he had an opposite view.
“Michelle and Rick should have been more outspoken about the horrors of Obama’s America, said Mr. Clam. “Life is worse for single parent African American families today than it was in slavery, and I can prove it. I’ve started a very successful new business, The Southern Plantation Company.”
“You mean like in the 1920s?” I asked.
“No, like a real Southern plantation in 1860. Now don’t misunderstand me — I’m not saying there weren’t problems for African-Americans in slavery. I’m just saying the problems have been sensationalized and exaggerated by the liberal mainstream media.”
“Are you really saying. .”
“I’m saying let’s give the modern, African-American, single parent a choice. You can live in the filth and squalor of Obama’s America, or you can join us for a whole new adventure, all expenses paid, all housing and all meals paid.”
“You’re not saying. .”
“Yes, I am. Come to our plantation and rid yourself of the headaches of modern American life. Put all your worries behind you. You’ll never have to pay a bill, never worry where your next meal comes from, and you never have to worry about your children or your friends moving away. Once you’re here, you’re here for life.”
“Won’t the women have to worry about being raped by their masters?”
“This has been wildly exaggerated. In fact, white masters never raped slaves on Southern plantations. Can you rape a chair? No. A car? No. A dog? . . . Well, maybe. But you can’t rape property. Do you think black slave women minded bearing light skinned children? No way. Light colored children had ‘good skin.’ “
“What about the whips, chains, and scaffolds?” I asked.
“These are the tools which keep families together. Does a mother with fourteen children, (our minimum quota for child bearers,) want her husband to run away? Are you proud of the way families break apart in Obama’s America? We have a saying — ‘Chains are the jewelry which stop men’s foolery.”
“I don’t think you’re going to get many volunteers. . .”
“We also have great opportunities for advancement. Yes, you may start off as a field hand, but you can advance to become privileged house slaves and skilled artisans.
At the end of the day, once the sun has gone down, you can sing and dance with your fellow slaves, singing gospel songs, tap dancing, maybe even putting on an amateur Minstrel Show. This means a return to good old family values.”
“What about laws against learning to read? Wouldn’t you be whipped if you tried to teach your children to read?”
“Think of it this way. You won’t have to waste your nights in the arduous task of helping your children with homework. Who likes that? You won’t have to worry about your children’s grades, and they won’t hook up with the wrong crowd. When you work twelve hours a day, there’s no time nor energy left to get into trouble. That‘s the trouble with our kids today. Too much leisure time, that’s what leads ’em to sin.”
Then he whispered to me, “And that‘s why they become homosexuals.”
“I still think your business will fail.”
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