The Viagra Whisperer

The Viagra Whisperer

By Jonny Kottler

 

where is my viagraMarvin sat in the driver’s seat of his truck, technically; his Chinese wife, Jade, sat at his side, authoritatively. They were waiting for the parade to end in this small, Mexican, ex-pat town.

“Let’s go. No more floats,” said Jade.

“These parades can be tricky. Anyway, we don’t really need to go,” said Marvin.

“I thought you were in the mood.”

“Yes, I’m in the mood, but we don’t need the Viagra.”

“We don’t need the Viagra, honey. You do.”

“You don’t have to shout it.”

“Don’t know why you’re so embarrassed about Viagra. You do need it.”

“Once. It happened once.”

“Better safe than sorry. . . Pull out. . . I can see no more floats . . .”

“Okay, okay,” sighed Marvin. She usually could wear him down.

At the next corner, spectators and parked cars blocked all turns.

“Why are they still waiting?” asked Jade.

“Look back. Some floats just turned the corner and are about to join us. We’re stuck in the middle of a Mexican parade.”

“It’s not fair. And the car is so dirty. Why didn’t you wash the car yesterday?

“Because I didn’t know we’d be in a parade today.”

They were passing by the best hotel in town, the Camino Real. “That place is so elegant. Why don’t we ever go there?” asked Jade.

“It’s very expensive,” answered Marvin.

Jade didn’t argue. She was almost as cheap as her husband, but she felt the romance of their marriage had been lost. Where was the spontaneity?

Marvin noticed his wife’s disappointment, but he thought they just needed a good roll in the hay.

Marvin noticed a pharmacy which was open. “Be right back.”

Marvin entered the pharmacy and was second online. Behind him, soon, was a nun, a gringo, and two Mexican men.

Buenas tardes, señor,” said a frail, female, elderly, bilingual clerk.

Buenas tardes.” He then added, in a whisper, “Viagra, please.”

“What?”

Marvin said it a little louder, “Viagra.”

The clerk said, “Oh yes. That’s that medicine for acid reflux, right?

“No, Viagra,” said Marvin.

“I’ll get it,” said the clerk. “Vitamins?”

“Not vitamins, Vi-a-gra.”

Perdon,” she said. A male clerk replaced her.

“Viagra,” Marvin asked, but an extremely loud band, outside, made it hard to hear.

“What”? asked the clerk.

Marvin, frustrated as hell, pantomimed a familiar fist motion for sex, shielded by his body . “Viagra.”

The clerk was really trying his hardest. First he showed him a bottle of Vicodin, then Vidaza, Viragos, and Viagosa, which was a suppository.

The gringo behind the nun complained about the wait. Marvin asked for Viagra again. Again, the clerk couldn’t hear him. Above the roar of the trumpets Marvin tried one last time. He practically screamed, “I want Viagra!” But there was a problem. A millisecond before he shouted out “Viagra,” the band came to a halt. Not only could everyone in the pharmacy hear him, but everyone within two blocks could hear him.

Many theories were proposed and legends started as to the source of the scream. The most popular one was that a rival politician was trying to embarrass the mayor, who was 68 but still had a roving eye. Years later, this parade became known as the “Viagra Parade.”

Meanwhile, back in the pharmacy, everyone except Marvin was laughing.

There is a shade of purple so vivid that you can only find it in tropical flowers. Marvin’s face was that shade of purple.

Then he said, “I’m getting it for a friend.”

The clerk said, “We’re out of it. Would you like some aspirin?”

Marvin was strongly tempted to give an intemperate response, but, slowly, a smile dawned on his face. “Who here has a driver’s license and would like to earn an easy 100 pesos?”

Ten minutes later, Marvin, with a Mexican named Pedro, found Jade. Marvin said to her, “We’re going to the Camino Real, and this gentleman will bring the car back to the hotel when the parade is through.”

Jade didn‘t need convincing. This was the man she had married, the man she had fallen in love with, adventurous, unpredictable, romantic.

When they entered the hotel room, Jade asked if he had the Viagra. Marvin confidently popped a pill in front of her and got down to business, proving that, sometimes, aspirin can be just as effective a sex aid as Viagra.

 

 

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