Dear Portia

DEAR PORTIA

Advice to the Lovelorn the Overfed and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

Old-lady-on-doorstep-with-cigarDear Portia:

Financial advice is probably not your forte, but I am turning to you as a last resort. Since moving here in 1987, I have gone through tens of thousands of my late husband’s hard-earned dollars, chasing one investment dream after another. My business guru in Guadalajara now suggests I invest in a company that plans to market frozen rattlesnake meat. He says I can’t lose, as the meat is not only tasty, but could be a cure for cancer, as well. What do you think?

Going Broke in Paradise

Dear Going Broke:

Sounds like your investment counselor is in serious need of counseling. I doubt there’s much market for frozen rattlesnake, either as meat or medicine. Buy land. They ain’t making any more of it. When the polar ice caps meet, there will be even less.

DEAR PORTIA:

I have been dating a very lean and attractive man for the past several years, but we have yet to “consumate” our relationship. He says he won’t entertain the idea of a physical relationship until I lose at least 75 pounds. Yet, though I have joined a health club and try one diet after another, my excess weight clings to me like a barnacle. I have a recurring dream in which all my excess pounds become space travelers and leave my body in the middle of the night. God, how I hate being fat! Please help.

Doubly Frustrated

Dear Doubly Frustrated:

First, stop acting like your life is a Greek tragedy. Then find yourself a  friend who appreciates “special handles.” Besides, no diet will remove all your fat because the brain itself is entirely fat. Without it, you might look slimmer, but all you could do then is run for the U.S. Congress.

Ojo Del Lago
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