Word Salad

By Sally Asante

Signs you’re aging…in case you hadn’t noticed

This is the last installment of Sally Asante’s Collection of Word Salad. Thank you Sally!

Aging insights as told by humorists:

1. I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.—Bob Hope

2. After seventy, you still chase women, but only downhill.—Bob Hope

3. Youth is wonderful. It’s a shame to waste it on the young.—Mark Twain

4. You can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life, but they would assassinate you.—Mark Twain

5. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.—Jack Benny

6. Except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.—Robert Benchley

7. Last night I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk, and gelatin. I’m sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it’s going to seem longer.—Groucho Marx

8. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.—Groucho Marx

9. I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and someday, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security.—Dave Barry

10. I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.—Dave Barry

11. I stay away from natural foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.—George Burns

12. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.—George Burns

13. I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears meet.—Rita Rudner

14. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller

15. Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.—Joan Rivers

16. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.—Woody Allen

17. All my life I wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.—Lily Tomlin

18. Don’t go to a school reunion. There’ll be a lot of old people there claiming to be your classmates.—Tom Dreesen

19. Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.—Jim Fiebig

20. In a survey for Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy-five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.—Irv Gilman

21. Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.—Doug Larson

And just in case you still aren’t sure, you know you’re growing old when . . .

1. You see a pretty young girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

2. The pretty girl you smile at thinks you are one of her father’s friends. And she helpfully opens the door for you.

3. When you whistle at a pretty girl, she thinks you’re calling her dog.

4. All your dreams about girls are reruns.

5. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

6. When you see a pretty girl, your pacemaker makes the garage door open.

7. When you have a choice of temptations, you choose the one that gets you home earlier.

8. Dinner and a movie are the whole date, not just the start of one.

9. You’re getting better in bed. You can sleep there for days.

10. Your wife tells you she’s having an affair, and you ask if she’s having it catered.