The American Dream
By Ron Knight
Many are awakening from the American Dream, which I can clearly see as I’ve stepped away from it to live as an Expat. The American marketing society always needs something to fear, so it has something to sell to a ravenous appetite. Once it’s over with, that something sold goes out of its way to become passé, or be completely indigestible.
Right after the U.S. got hit at the World Trade Center, we must have been confusing the hell out of the poor Afghans over there on the other side of the world. On the one hand, we were sending over planes that were dropping bombs, and on the other hand we were sending over planes that were dropping… food. Because while we’re doing collateral damage or killing people, we’d like them to eat a little something… It’s as if we had these poor Afghans over there, their arms over their heads, and they’re crying, ”Oh, No! More planes! More bombs! What?! No, Hey! It’s raining Rice-A-Roni… The San Francisco Treat!”
You’re not being told anything you don’t know. The Pentagon spokesperson actually said we were basically dropping a carbohydrate diet of beans, with a nice, vinaigrette dressing. How nice. How well thought out. That’s basically what we call “three bean salad.” Nobody eats three bean salad. Look at the buffet lines or go see the church events. Great looking stuff? It’s Ooh, ahh, umm… they get to the three bean salad? Ooohh (sneering)…… and it’s a very lonely bowl. Unless of course, you also have on hand, plenty of “Beano.”
I don’t know where advertisers get the names of these products. Have you seen this stuff, “Beano”? It’s the stuff that the little drops are supposed to stop any of that gas from coming out. Beano?! Sounds like the reason you have the gas in the first place. Hey, I’ve tried it. Works great. Works really well. I think I took a little too much though… my gas went away; it sucked down my sinus congestion, and now I don’t even have any ear wax.
What are they going to think of next? They’ll make something that blocks everything or anything that people have a problem with. You hear people say, “Oh, I can’t stomach that guy!” There’s an idea. You need something to block that? Here! Have some “Idiot-O.” Or four little drops of “Moron-O.” Four drops of “Estupido.” Here’s a good one. Take five little drops of “Ex-Wife-O.” Or four little drops of “Her Attorney-O.”
We used to drop pills for fun. Now we take them to stay healthy or sane and we can mix them for conditions like “here, try this: four little blended tabs of “Your Idiot Boss-O.” I’ll tell you what I was really worried about, is that people over there were going to resent it, and start sending people over here to the States to start throwing food at us! Then we’d have these poor people and tourists scattering in Times Square, yelling, “Look Out Marge! Watch out for the flying Hummus! Of course, then you’d have the spoiled native American New Yorker who’d be saying, “Hey, I really wanted tahini, with that.”
Somewhere… sometime yet to come, with a blend of enough Beano and the All New Doctor Recommended Petroleum based Lax-a-Max, America might just pass its hair ball, while having its cake and eating it too.