Time To Burn The Meat
By Carol A. Curtis
Does anyone else live with a very fussy eater? I’m talking Sally from the movie Harry and Sally fussy. Dance for joy if you don’t … commiserate with me if you do. Now, I love my husband and we’ve survived over 40 years of marital bliss. During the beginning of our time together he was just a little fussy. He told me about the two years he spent in the Peace Corps in a very rural part of the Philippines eating “leaves pulled from bushes and boiled”; at least that’s the story. For years at our nightly, family dinner table, he ate whatever I cooked, including the broccoli. Once the children left home and the chains of parent modeling disintegrated, he let me see how tough the rest of my life was going to be. Here’s a partial list of his rules:
No green food.
No slimy objects that grow in the dark and are considered a fungi.
All meat – bacon, chicken, steak, hamburger, etc. – cooked until there is no juice left within and it has a 3rd degree burn-like exterior.
All sauces on the side.
Only iceberg lettuce, none of that healthy, ruffled so-called lettuce.
No mayonnaise at all … ever.
No snide comments when his eyes water and his nose runs due to his love of extra hot, hot sauce.
No homemade chili, just canned Hormel.
When we retired to Mexico, I began the usual quest for enough Spanish to survive in common situations. I went online and bought a few books. I started making lists of phrases I would need. Unfortunately, no one gave me the words I needed to help my husband order in a restaurant. So, I had to make my own Dictionary for Fussy Eaters.Here’s a few of the entries. Note: I always start my husband’s request with an apology, “Por favor, perdón por mi español de Google.”
Please burn my steak so that it looks like the pavement on the carreterra.
Por favor quema mi carne para que quede como el pavimento en la carreterra.
Please save me the effort of picking out all the mushrooms … just leave them in the kitchen for some foodie who comes in later. Por favor guarde su esfuerzo de quitar todas las setas… sólo dejelas en la cocina para algun foodie que venga despues.
I know the red sauce is a major part of the presentation of the fish, but could you please put the sauce in a little bowl and not on the fish. Sé que la salsa roja es una parte importante de la presentación del pescado, pero podría por favor poner la salsa en un tazón pequeño y no sobre el pescado.
I realize that it is a part of the cooking process to put mayonnaise on the sandwich bread before you grill it, but I will leave a bigger tip if you can keep mayonnaise away from my food. Me doy cuenta que es una parte del proceso de cocción poner la mayonesa en el pan antes de que la parrille, pero dejaré una propina más grande si puede mantener la mayonesa lejos de mi comida.
I would love a salad but only if it has the cheap, lettuce with no nutritional value.
Me encantaría una ensalada, pero sólo si tiene la lechuga barata con ningún valor nutricional.
Well, it’s dinner time. Time to burn the meat.