I Shall Return!
By Jim Rambo
There’s been considerable discussion during the past year about the use of torture by agents of the United States. The recent release of a damning Senate report has confirmed that the torture of those deemed terrorists has been commonplace since 9-11. Two men have been identified as those responsible for the creation of the torture program.
However, what some have not yet heard is that the two were paid in excess of $70 million dollars for developing their evil plans. Further, I confess today to having applied for the job years ago, anticipating those financial rewards, which were considerably more than my previous governmental work had paid. And so, I conceived a plan.
Over the course of several years I attempted, here in Mexico, to prove my worthiness as a torture expert who inflicts pain on others without conscience. It was with those Mexican credentials in hand that I intended to approach the Defense Department.
Citizens of Ajijic are aware of my accomplishments locally in pursuit of my goal. Allow me to explain: Knowing that an investment would have to be made first, I withdrew $25,000 U.S. from my bank account here. I was certain that, with that amount, I would achieve my ends. I began first by approaching a group of underpaid municipal workers in Ajijic. For a fair sum they agreed to ignore the repair of red lights in the middle of the village, thereby causing consternation amongst the driving public. They also agreed to increase the size and volume of topes to be found on the carreterra coming east into the village. Promises were extracted that they would do no road repair work on main village access calles unless the Christmas holidays were imminent.
Having no entrance to the village via Colon would be pure torture! I found many gringos who were willing, for a price, to only use the Super Lake grocery store on Saturdays in spite of their being retired and able to shop any other day. The parking lots there on Saturdays were thereafter jammed with cars whose older drivers generally found it difficult to navigate in reverse. Some went so far as to pay me the compliment of referring to it all as “torture.”
Several bankers agreed to assist in my efforts for a price. They agreed to delay setting up bill payments out of customer accounts for four to six months. No explanation would be given for the extended delay. In addition, when amounts were to be withdrawn, they contracted with me to give as many $500 peso bills as possible and only give lesser amounts when requested. Each time any transaction would take place, the customer would have to present an immigration document, no matter if such transactions were made on a daily basis. Customer recognition would not be recognized!
After about six months of buying this level of cooperation, I knew that I was well on the way to proving my talents to the U.S. Government as one without equal in the imposition of torture. My tactics were working splendidly. But there were a few more adjustments to be made. Within the following six months, they were all achieved.
One kitchen worker at a restaurant that welcomed writers who would read and be critiqued on their work was bribed to play a radio just loud enough to be a distraction to those trying to listen to the readers. He would also monkey with the amplification system before the writers arrived. Several writers would attempt to read before the torture would be brought to a merciful end by a techie in the group, whom I had neglected to bring into my scheme.
Soon thereafter, I made my appointment with the man behind the scenes in Washington, a red-faced, balding man with steely gray hair. For reasons of national security, his name cannot be mentioned here. As he reviewed my application for employment as a torture expert, my interviewer winced and tugged at his chest. I remained stoic in spite of my thirst for approval. He continued scanning my documents with a critical eye and then leaned across his desk toward me, glaring in the fashion the public has come to expect of him.
“I anticipated finding qualifications for torture in this application but nothing like this. Why, you have gone completely overboard with this project. You might as well have subjected your fellow citizens to water boarding, watching Adam Sandler movies, or listening to old tapes of Bob Dylan. But I’m very sorry to say that your investment appears to have been wasted. This government cannot use your services. However, we will reimburse you your $25,000 out of respect for your imaginative efforts.”
I knew then that man in charge knew a fellow dick when he met one. I left the interview disappointed but undaunted. It turns out now that I had good reason. After all, what’s happened to those who did conceive the approved torture plans and those who implemented them? We all know: nothing, nada, zip, so listen up, Ajijic. One day, without fear of retribution, I’ll be back!
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