Dear Portia – October 2015

Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

portia newDear Portia,

My friend and her husband are splitting.  She’s pretty new here and doesn’t have lots of friends. What’s my best shot to help her? Take her to exercise class?  Lectures?  We go out for lunch a lot, but don’t want to gain weight.  I’m at a loss.  Help!

Dear Loss,

Unless you moved here last night, it’s hard for me to believe you don’t know the answer to that (and many of the other questions that arise).  TEQUILA!  Dr. Portia recommends multiple internal applications, until such time as the physical sensations have blotted out the mental anguish.  Treatment continues as long as necessary, which could be a lifetime unless you come across a new squeeze in the process.

Dear Portia,

I’m in the habit of stowing my excess cash in various super-secret spots in my home.  Lately, I have forgotten which spot I used last, and have ripped the place to bits many times. I know a sneaky chick like you has the answer!

Dear Hide-y

My personal secret is an inconspicuous tattoo.  It’s a lovely little heart shaped thing with flowers located high on my left thigh.  In the center are two words, Bath Room.  No one has been cheeky enough yet to ask about it.  I use the First National Bank of Cottonelle to stow bills. Tucked in the roll, I am sure to find it at one point or another Also, if a thief goes to the trouble of stealing the toilet paper, then I figure it’s gone to a really needy place!

Dear Portia,

In homage to Miley Cyrus, my new culture queen, I have taken up pan-sexuality.  My therapist seems alarmed and prissy!  Do I just need to lie to her?  I’m having more fun than ever.

Dear Pan,

If you’re seeing the therapist for self- improvement, then by all means lie!  Honing your skills at manipulation and prevarication is often a useful and under-rated practice.  You may have stumbled upon an answer to the numbers game in dating.  On the other hand, if you’re a guilt ridden liar with a horribly problematic life, you may want to come clean.  Nasty job, that! However it will keep you off the streets and out of circulation for at least an hour or two a week.

Ojo Del Lago
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