Dear Portia – September 2015

Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled


portia newDear Portia,

I know you avoid politics, but I simply can’t!  Is the Donald the terrifying redeemer of America, or is he the defiant destroyer of the system?

Polly Ticks

Dear Tics,

Mr. Trump is simply the embodiment of the long awaited merger of the political and entertainment industries, which will be known as entertainitics or politainment, depending on tweet results.  We are at the brink of a new era when the Inauguration, the Super Bowl and the Academy Awards will all be celebrated on the 4th of July, in a great national frenzy.  Fortunately none of us will have to interact with the crazed crowds of strangers, as the entire extravaganza will be streamed to the device of your choice.  I’m stocking up on tequila and junk foods with a long shelf life just in case the apocalypse is now.

Dear Portia,

My coffee group was discussing reptile dysfunction yesterday.  I was shocked.  These people have Waaaaay to much time, and perverted interests, right?


Dear Dissed,

I AM WRITING IN CAPS TO MAKE SURE YOU HEAR ME!   ONE MORE HINT… YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY!   Next time the topic comes up, I suggest you stay and ask many questions.  Seems like you may be afflicted, as cranky as you are!  Either that, or focus on the upcoming presidential erection!

Dear Portia,

Q.  My hair is now sprouting vigorously from my nose and ears. Sadly it avoids my head. What can I do?


Dear Placed,

I just hate to diagnose without seeing (and charging) you; however, when I dabble in diagnostics, I generally recommend a transplant.  I have a friend who has had amazing success putting things where they weren’t.  Contact my email and with any luck you will end up with a Donalddoo. You will then have the whole tanning lotion, hair tinting thing to keep up with. But you’ll be  Sexxxeeee!


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Ojo Del Lago
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