Dear Portia – February 2016

Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

portia newDear Portia,

I am dreading the 14th of February, and all the sappy couples-oriented commercialism.  Shall I surprise myself with roses and chocolate?

Anti-V Day

Dear Anti,

Please stay up with developing trends!  The 14th will soon change to Singles Awareness Day, AKA SAD. It’s a day to celebrate not needing to yank the covers back from your happily sleeping warm mate.  Proceed by having your favorite ice cream for breakfast, which you can eat from the carton, in your PJs, prior to washing your face and combing your hair. Don’t check with anyone before you go out, and there’s no need for a plan or a destination either. Get a couple of new puppies from the shelter. Frolic in the freedom of it all! Or, embrace the ultra-civilized Finnish custom of celebrating friendships of all kinds!  Practice the following mantra as the day approaches.  “Mainstream is NOT the only stream!”

Dear Portia,

My hubby has taken to exercising, which is not all bad.  Sadly, due to a hip injury, he bought a bright pink girl’s bike!  I keep getting sad compassionate looks from my neighbors.  Should I tell them he’s OK, or just leave it?

Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

You have a huge opportunity here!  Get him a Dora the Explorer bike helmet, pink tennies and a custom made pink snap- on tutu.  Perhaps think in terms of a gaudy satin cape.  What a great Valentine’s Day you will have. The streets of Ajijic have lacked a certain color for months now.  You and your husband could occupy an important niche!  Fulfill your destiny.

Dear Portia,

I arranged a dreamy surprise for my new squeeze, a weekend in a romantic spot at the beach.  I thought we’d celebrate Valentine’s Day!  Now it seems he has ghosted me.  I know he’s alive, since he has current posts on Facebook, but he simply won’t reply to calls, emails or anything!  It’s a small town, and I know I’ll see him sooner or later. Recommendations?

Casper-ed.

Dear Casper-ed,

Portia’s favorite might be to rush up to him, putting a concerned hand on his forearm and asking in a loud voice “How are you doing?  Was it the syphilis that caused it?”  Or you might ask “How’s your parole going?  It must be so hard being a sex offender!”  Alternatively you could re-ghost and simply choose to ignore his presence.  In any case, my dear, the dude did you a huge favor, and if you need company at the beach, Portia might be able to tag along as a consultant.  I provide on-site, real time pick-up lines.

Ojo Del Lago
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