—Part 2 of 3 – Self Evolvement Series
By Anna Elena Berlin
Certified Professional Coach, Experience of Life Researcher
The powerhouse that is our subconscious minds is the reason we don’t have to will our hearts to beat or our lungs to breathe. But its primary function is to assure we stay alive, otherwise it loses its other job which is to keep our bodies, minds, and emotional functions operating. Your subconscious mind is machine—like in its dedication to keeping you safe, using fear as its main motivator to get your cooperation. Even if you are striving to live through your heart and love, the 95% of your mind that is subconscious has a lot of control over you, and its agenda isn’t always aligned with your conscious goals or your need for emotional connection.
If you’ve ever experienced the deep feeling of loss from a broken heart your subconscious mind can sense danger when the possibility of it happening again is present. To keep you out of danger’s way it automatically puts up defence walls of fear around your heart. This sets you up to sabotage your own efforts to get close to someone again. Your conscious mind’s choice to take another chance on love is in conflict with your subconscious mind’s mandate to keep you from danger. Your hard working subconscious is just doing its job effectively. It can’t tell the difference between the risk of being eaten by lions and that of suffering another broken heart. It senses only that there is danger and uses fear to keep you from it.
The subconscious mind believes danger can lead to death, and to be fair there is no doubt that people actually do die of broken hearts. More importantly is the fact that according to the research literature people live longer, healthier, happier lives by far with a life partner. However, since your subconscious mind’s main priority is to keep you from danger it initiates protective measures to secure your safety, even if you are willing to take a risk on love and long to have it in your life again. It automatically throws up red warning flags out of nowhere, causing a physiological chain reaction in your body.
One minute you are fine and the next you’re squirming in your chair, your heart is racing, you’re perspiring like a sprinter, you can’t get out of there fast enough, and your promising date goes to hell without your conscious consent. Despite your desire for love, and regardless of your need for intimacy, you are a victim of your own highly effective survival mechanism. Your subconscious senses that you are in danger, activates this mechanism and blame, self recrimination, and more lonely time follows. To add insult to injury we blame ourselves for the resulting subconscious originating misery because it feels like it came from our conscious minds.
If you think that you are flawed for driving away a prospective mate, now is the time to give yourself a break. It’s just not possible to fix this or any other disruptive subconscious originating reaction without being aware of its dynamics, or even that it’s possible to fix. If you believe that you are romantically doomed because you are (pick any one, or a combination, of the following words): inept; afraid; weak; stupid; frigid; awkward; damaged; hopeless; clueless; paying for some past sin; or unworthy, then this story you are telling yourself is the reality you are living in. That is the power of your unchecked subconscious mind, to make a great person like you believe a fiction like this. That is the power of your beliefs to make or wreck your life. Who knew?
You can stop beating yourself up for self sabotaging your attempts at romance. You are not to blame for the pain your subconscious mind has inflicted on you in the past, only for what you consciously do, or don’t do, to keep it from happening again now that you are aware of it. There is every reason to believe that you will have love in your life. If love didn’t work out before it’s likely because the two of you didn’t work well together, not just because of you alone. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Nonetheless, feeling the appreciation and support that having a life partner offers enables people to flourish in all areas of their lives, and is more than worth taking a chance to get.
It is essential to understand that it’s difficult to get someone great in your life if you don’t feel great about yourself. The way you feel about and see others is a reflection of the way you feel about and see yourself. Learning skills to deal with negative self views is supremely valuable because it leads to the healing that enables emotional connection which leads to self evolvement and a better feeling life.
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