Ask William

Ask William

By William Franklin

ask me


Dear William: My neighbor cut my cable line and now I can’t watch TV. What should I do?

Dear Cable less:  Do you have a library card?  Just kidding, really. Cutting off cable is unconscionable and deserves some aggressive act of revenge. Does your neighbor have security cameras?  If not I can think of dozens of things to get even.  Does he have a pool you can throw rocks into?  Pool owners hate that.  Does he have a wife you can whistle at when she walks by?  Husbands hate it when their neighbor whistles at the wife.  Or try exposing yourself outside his picture window but wear a first-rate mask.  But really, you should start using your public library at any rate.

Dear William:  My boss makes me sit on his lap while I’m taking dictation.  Sometimes I don’t like it. What should I do?

Dear Sec:  Tell your boss he’s really “old school.”  No one does that anymore unless you’re living in the Dominican Republic. Is your boss from the Dominican?  Tell him you’d like to meet for happy hour and talk about your next raise or you’ll go Me Too on him.

Dear William:  My girlfriend left me for Dennis Bach.  What should I do? 

Dear Un-friended:  Tell her Dennis isn’t what he used to be.  He’s cheap and bald and weighs about as much as his old truck.  If that doesn’t do it, send her to me.

Dear William:  I graduated from high school fifty years ago and I miss it.  What should I do?

Dear Grad:  You don’t miss high school, you miss being high school age.  Do you miss algebra and writing term papers? Try missing something else. 

Dear William:  My husband makes funny noises while he sleeps.  I can’t stand it.  Should I wake him?

Dear Deep Listener:  Let sleeping dogs lie.  He’s probably even more obnoxious when he’s awake. Think of it as your special time just for yourself.   

Dear William:  My husband watches True Crime Stories on TV and I think he’s learning of ways to do me in.  I don’t want to wake up dead.

Dear Worried:  It’s impossible to wake up dead.  But really, that show is good and I see why you might be a bit shy about all these couples offing each other.  Make sure there’s no life insurance out on you but plenty on him.


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