Word Salad – April 2023

April Fools and Jokesters

April is the month of the prankster. We all recall playing pranks on our friends, siblings, even our favorite teachers on April 1st. Harmless tricking was great fun when we were kids. Oh, how clever we were. And quick! We’d get the joke in a nanosecond. 

Like it or not, for most of us seniors, what we used to be able to detect at a quick glance or an instantaneous thought, now requires a bit more reflection. We see an acquaintance unexpectedly and find ourselves searching for his/her name. We walk into a room and stand there, trying to remember why we’re there. Of course, the name surfaces as does the errand we were on, but the delays are getting longer and longer. Everything—except time—seems to be slowing down.

So, combining this leisurely pace with the spirit of April Fools’ Day, below is a little quiz that contains a few hidden tricks of its own. There’s no timer counting down, so take your time, think about these puzzlers, and see how sharp that old noggin still is. Answers appear on page 38. No peeking!

1. Can you anagram the letters in new door to make one word?

2. What word, when you add a syllable to it, becomes shorter?

3. Which is correct: 9 and 7 is 15 or 9 and 7 are 15?

4. How many mistakes can you find in this sentence: “Their are five mistaiks in this sentance.”

5. Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday.

6. Susan’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

7. A clerk at the butcher shop is 5 feet 10 inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

8. Read the following sentence slowly and just once, counting the number of F’s:

Finished files are the result of years of scientific study. How many F’s did you find?

9. My name is Stan and I have five sisters. Each of my sisters has one brother. How many children did my parents have?

10. If a peacock and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many eggs will three peacocks lay in three days?

11. A cowboy had 15 cows. All but nine died. How many cows did he have left?

12. Who can jump higher than a house?

Now that you’ve put your mind to work, unwind with a few humorous quips collected by the renowned linguist and humorist, Richard Lederer:

From Samuel Goldwyn, Goldwynisms:

1. I never liked you and I always will.

2. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

3. I’ll give you a definite maybe.

4. We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

5. Include me out.

6. I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.

7. Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

8. Don’t talk to me while I’m interrupting.

9. The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

10. Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn’t see it.

11. If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

12. This new atom bomb is dynamite.

13. Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

14. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

15. Color television! Bah, I won’t believe it until I see it in black and white.

16. We’d do anything for each other. We’d even cut each other’s throats for each other.

And Berraisms, from Yogi Berra:

1. Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

2. It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

3. No wonder nobody comes here—it’s too crowded.

4. If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop ‘em.

5. There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ‘em.

6. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

7. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

8. I want to thank all the people who made this night necessary.

9. Half the lies they tell me aren’t true.

10. If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.

11. Mickey Mantle: “What time is it?” Berra: “You mean right now?”

12. A story makes the rounds about the time a waitress served Yogi a pizza and asked him if he wanted it cut into four slices or eight. “Better make it four,” Yogi replied. “I don’t think I can eat eight pieces.”

13. Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes?

14. Ninety-nine percent of this game is half mental.

And apparently Yogi passed on his engaging turns of phrase to his son Dale, who played shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates. When asked to compare himself with his father, he answered, “Our similarities are different.”

And so ends all the trickery and fooling around for April 2023.