I Want Answers

 I have questions, questions that have haunted me for years. And I want answers. Oh, I know I could find the answers with a smidge of research. But I am lazy and suspect the answers, logical, scientific, historical, economic, and socio-political based as they may be, are faulty, incomplete, and likely conspiracy-driven by drag queens. Besides, I feel logic, science, history, et al, are stupid, overrated, and unnecessary. Therefore, I unapologetically pose my questions. I begin with the most important one.

Why do we have cheerleaders? Are we really so helpless that we can’t yell “Yay,” “Rah,” or “Go”  without guidance? And, if they are so important, why don’t we have cheerleaders in operating rooms, courtrooms, or churches?

Why do we have 48 and 72-hour deodorants? We are a society obsessed with daily showers. Twenty-four-hour protection is sufficient. Besides, armpits are not our only sources of odors. We dribble, slobber, sweat, and seep from other areas. Long term deodorants are stupid, overrated, and unnecessary. Baths and showers are not.

Why were Jesus’ parents named Mary and Joseph? Were those names even around then? And since Jesus was a Jew, wouldn’t their names have been Miriam and Yakov or Tzeitel and Perchik? Could someone check birth records at Bethlehem’s City Hall for the years 0 and 1, please?

Why does English have so many silent or unneeded letters? Yeah, I know. Linguists suggest the reason is Old English. I say Old Wives Tale. For example, look at the number eight. It is no wonder that when teaching a Beginning English class basic numbers, spelling “eight” correctly causes countless students to transfer to a wood shop class.

Why do fingernails and toenails grow? Certainly they were needed in prehistoric times as weapons. But not today. Obviously, the sole purpose of long toenails now is to poke holes in socks, a planned-obsolescence ploy created by the hosiery industry. And long fingernails clearly had a second use for cavemen and their descendants. They, as advised by clan ear, nose, and throat specialists, were to be used to remove wax from ears. But other tools have since been invented for that. Like ice picks. It seems to me that in a modern world, the only purpose of nails is to house nail polish. They don’t need to grow for that. It is stupid and unnecessary.

Why was the US’s Electoral College created? Oh, I understand historians, again stupid and unnecessary, will offer explanations. But I see the Electoral College as clear evidence that the writers of the US Constitution partook of LSD.

Why does Amazon provide customers with specific delivery dates and then deliver items a day or two early? Or late? We’ve all revamped our schedules in order to be home on the stated delivery date only to discover an attempted delivery was made ahead of schedule while we were completing our rescheduled errands or we have waited all day for a delivery that didn’t happen. It’s enough to make one promise to stop ordering from Amazon. But promises are stupid, overrated, and unnecessary. As is Amazon.

Why are The Netherlands and Holland considered the same country? OK, history and geography wizards, bite your tongue. Your answers are stupid and too complicated. Anyway, think of all the valid countries that don’t even have one name, just letters, like the USA, UAE, EU, and LA. But that small, tulip-filled country gets two? And don’t get me started on why The Netherlands’ or Holland’s official language is called Dutch.

Why does pro-football have the two-minute warning?  No other sport has one. Not even Monopoly or Solitaire. Couldn’t the announcer just yell “There’s two-minutes to go!” without an interruption in play? But no. The warning, stupid and unnecessary, stops the clock and triggers 47 minutes of commercia — oh, that’s why. To make money. Never mind.  

As stupid and unnecessary as TV commercials are, I ask why do commercials for medicines warn viewers, “Do not take if you are allergic to this medicine.”? How would one know of the allergy until trying the med? One wouldn’t know until they swell up to the size of Kentucky and can’t be squeezed through an Emergency Room door. 

Why do movies today need so many production companies and producers? They didn’t when I was a kid. Now, before a film starts, pre-credits list several production companies and studios involved in the production followed by a never-ending rollcall of producers, executive producers, and associate producers, the majority of whom few viewers have ever heard. I must ask, what do they do, anyway? Seems to me, producers are stupid, overrated, and unnecessary.

Why can’t people be satisfied with one tattoo? Why do so many ink-freaks feel the need to turn their body into a walking Sistine Chapel ceiling? This issue really gets under my skin. 

Why, if it is called The Miss World Pageant, are there no contestants from North Korea or Antarctica? And why doesn’t The Miss Universe Pageant have competitors from the moon, Ursa Major, or Mercury? I would think Miss Mercury would be really hot.

And finally, why would anyone read this entire stupid and unnecessary article after scanning the first paragraph?


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Tom Nussbaum
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