On The Outside Looking In
By Peter E. Gibbons
At some time in your life your friendly local medical practitioner is more than likely to suggest that he needs to explore your wonderful internal workings.
Be on the outside looking in, one might say!
As it is impossible to unzip you like a scuba diver’s wet suit, he recruits the professional services of folk who specialize in this field, including an anesthesiologist.
They exercise their skills gaining access via the mouth and the other end. The only two natural ingress and egress openings we have. One in, and one out!
To help in providing the clearest picture, you will need to do a little prep the day before. You will be told to eat a normal meal around noon and I strongly suggest you forget gourmet because at 1.30pm it’s cocktail time again.
This time mix a full bottle of cold 7-UP with a bottle of phosphosodafleet and drink it down, all of it. And then just as the TV evening news comes on four hours later, do it again.
From then on drink clear liquids, although I very much doubt you would fancy a T-bone steak with fries somehow.
Early the following morning the white coated team will introduce themselves and ask what medications you take. When satisfied, your clothes are removed and replaced by a smock-like garment opening at the back the reason being obvious.
When comfortably lying down, they will ask you to open your mouth. A kind of table napkin ring is placed between your lips before spraying some reddish stuff towards the throat.
Almost immediately you will be on cloud nine trying to remember just how many martinis you’d had. And before you have time to figure that out, you’ll be sitting up drinking a cup of hot coffee, just 25 minutes later.
It will be somewhat comforting to know that if having had an endoscopy, through the mouth, they will do that before a colostomy gaining entrance through the other end. In any case, separate endoscopes are used!
During their internal travels a large colored picture is shown on a screen. The driver not only steers, but is able to take snips of tissue for pathological evaluation later. He can also remove alien growths like polyps. Specialists review the film in depth and give their opinions.
Within a week usually, you will meet with your doctor who will discuss the results using a well presented color brochure and DVD. Unlike some countries, you have paid for the tests and they are yours to take home. Ideal material for showing at your next Halloween party don’t you think?
Be assured that there will be no pain, blood or discomfort, just possibly an empty feeling which can be quickly remedied at a nearby restaurant or your own home.