Dear Portia – January 2016

Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

portia newDear Portia,

I am so discouraged!  I made three New Year’s Resolutions, and I have only been able to keep the one about maintaining a ready stash of Snickers Bars.  The other two had to do with rather urgent changes in lifestyle foisted on me by a well-meaning doctor.  I thought if I kept my list short, I could succeed with ease.  Can I have a do-over?

Signed,

Resolute

Dear Res,

Sounds like you’ve been here before, annually perhaps?   Try to see it this way:  self-improvement is both over rated and virtually nonexistent. Take a moment to wallow in the wonderfulness of your present self, highlight your supposed short comings and elevate your vulnerabilities into eccentricities.  If you like what you find, eliminate resolutions 2 and 3.  If not, you might stop all the useless efforting, and sidle up to some new acquaintances that seem to just naturally do what you struggle with.  Imitate them fiercely and relentlessly until you find yourself doing well, much to your own surprise. Changing your entire life might not hurt.  Also, take off your hair shirt, and expose your true self!

Dear Portia,

It’s about the noise, THE NOISE! Do you hear me?  Too much noise – cohetes, dogs and roosters, musical events…  It’s driving me nuts.  How do I get it to be quiet? 

Done With It.

Dear Done,

Bad news.  You are already nuts. You moved to Mexico, remember? Worse news – little known, but absolutely true.  The odd interplay of altitude and latitude, plus proximity to water has created a nearly ideal climate in these parts.  Natives, brimming with joy at their good fortune, have for centuries celebrated this benefit out loud – with loud sound.  Even Mother Nature’s local creatures do.  Change the sounds, tinker with the volume and you’ll wreak havoc with the climate. If you don’t believe me, you can check with the Mexican Delegation that recently returned from Paris, or move behind a quiet strip mall near Dubuque, Iowa.  My personal go-to solution is Tequila.

Dear Portia,

My astrologer has told me that this year I’ll meet the man of my dreams, be lifted up and off to a cloud of bliss.  I am so excited!  I can hardly believe that this could happen here, and at my age. One thing though, what do I do with my husband of 43 years? 

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Ah, what a vast spectrum of possibilities!  First off, did you ask if a threesome was what your dream guy might have in mind?  Who knows how happy you and your hubby could be?  Then again, you might gift your husband with a lengthy vacation to the Amazon, while you stay here and see what develops.  If I were you though, I’d check back with the astrologer for clarification.  There’s something a bit spooky if you read the forecast as a Christian metaphor!  You may want to try Tarot or Numerology.

 

 

Ojo Del Lago
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