Two Kinds Of People

Two Kinds Of People

By Tom Nussbaum


grumpy catIf there is one thing life has taught me, it is this: There are only two kinds of people. It is just that simple.

People are either dog people or cat people.

Of course, some of the dog people are lap dog people and some prefer big dogs. This, obviously, refutes and complicates my theory.

But cat people are all alike, provided they have only one cat. If, however, they have multiple felines, they become crazy lady cat people and this contradicts my theory because each crazy lady cat person forms a unique individual subdivision. It also is problematic if the crazy lady cat person is male.

Another method of dividing people into two groups is by their grooming habits. Some people are bath people and some prefer showers. Again, two options. Quite simple. Unless, like me, you enjoy showers and bubble baths, in which case you sit on the shower floor, lean against the back wall, and laze in the bubbles.

There are only two kinds of sleepers, however: people who like to cuddle and those who are not cuddly. This only becomes an issue when an intimate relationship develops between a cuddler and non-cuddler. Or when a cuddler falls asleep on a bus.

Coffee drinkers come in two types, too. They either drink their coffee black, as God intended, or mutilated with cream and/or sugar as followers of Satan do.

The technological age has created two basic types of people, the technologically savvy and the technically challenged, like me. Oh, I know how to use my laptop, cellphone, and Scotch tape dispenser. I just wish I could find the end of the damn tape roll without having to dedicate an entire afternoon to the project.

I also believe there are only two types of people at parties, the ones gravitating toward the salty snacks and those lured by the sugary ones. I, however, tend to be attracted to those snack bowls or platters with the most naked party guests around them.

When it comes to astrology and the zodiac, there are clearly two kinds of people, believers and non-believers. I used to be a believer. But since I stopped having birthdays, I had to give up my zodiac sign, too, and, thus, an entire belief system. So says my astrologer. But isn’t that just typical of a Libra with a rising Aries?

There were two kinds of music fans during the 1960s when I grew up: those who loved The Beatles and those who preferred The Rolling Stones. I definitely preferred the Fab Four. Today the choice is between England’s One Direction and Australia’s 5 Seconds of Summer. I still prefer The Beatles.

And that brings me to pop culture. People either follow it religiously, remembering celebrity names, record titles, film casts, television programs, and a plethora of other trivial tidbits.But many others cannot be bothered with such minutia. I, for one, am a pop culture freak; for example, I can name all the Kardashians without vomiting.

When it comes to outlooks on life, people are either optimists or pessimists. You know, the perennial question: Is the glass half full or half empty? Well, I’m an optimist and there isn’t anything halfway about me. I see that glass as totally full, even overflowing. Of course, I believe the water in that glass is polluted.

Socially, there are two kinds of people. There are those who are friendly, warm, and outgoing and those who are shy, loners, hermits. I belong to the first group. I am a very social person; I love people and see each individual as worthy of kindness and respect. (Now shut up and leave me alone or I will smack you upside your head so hard you will wish you had never started reading this column!)

Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That was uncalled for. Besides, I’ve just read what I’ve written here and realize my entire premise is faulty. There are way more than two kinds of people in the world. Mankind is much more complicated than that. How could I have been so simplistic and, frankly, stupid?

I understand now that if we could divide the world into only two kinds of people, it would be much simpler than I ever thought. We’d be sorted by those who get my sense of humor and those who don’t.  I, sadly, fall into the latter group.

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