Tips For Coexisting With Covid
By N (Abby) McKinnon
As someone who has lived a long and toothsome life, I frequently receive letters seeking advice on proper behavior and etiquette during the time of COVID. I have selected a few of the most irrelevant for these pages.
Dear Nabby: Is it OK to dance with a stranger as long as he or she is wearing a mask?
Faceless in Chapala
Dear Faceless: It’s okay in three circumstances. 1) You’re in your own living room, 2) You know why a stranger is in your living room, and 3) You do not try the hokey-pokey until you’re sure your partner is an Arthur Murray graduate.
Dear Nabby: Should I sanitize my hand after my wife takes it while we’re crossing a busy street?
Clingee in Joco
Dear Clingee: It’s probably a good idea but I would first check if she’s carrying a sharp object in her other hand. If so, encourage her to sanitize the sharp object before she uses it.
Dear Nabby: I met a wonderful man recently and would like to have sex with him. Unfortunately I don’t know him well enough to ask if he’s vaccinated or not. Do you think it proper to go behind his back and ask his wife?
Hesitant in Ajijic
Dear Hesitant: No I don’t. A little mystery never hurt any relationship
Dear Nabby: With plenty of time on my hands during the pandemic, I decided on self-improvement. I’ve taught myself 5 languages, learned ballroom dancing on the internet and created a wildly successful app that matches people with a shared passion for wild cow milking competitions and classical music concerts. Meantime, my husband has spent the time watching Dr. Oz reruns, eating pizza and scratching himself in inappropriate places. My problem is that I like Seinfeld but he refuses to change the channel. What do you suggest?
Married to a scratcher in San Antonio
Dear Married: Your differences are irreconcilable. I suggest you create an app that searches out people that speak Urdu to each other while they’re ballroom dancing and leave the potato to his couch.
Dear Nabby: My husband refuses to get vaccinated. He says that the vaccine contains microchips that allow the government to track his movements. On top of this, I think he’s cheating on me. What should I do?
In a Quandary in San Juan
Dear Quandary: You have to convince him. Tell him the vaccine is incredible stuff you scored on the street. Then, after he is vaccinated, get his tracking information from the government. It will be useful in the divorce proceedings.
Dear Nabby: One of the individuals in my book club refuses to get vaccinated which makes us all uncomfortable. He says his religion doesn’t allow him to put foreign substances into his body. How can we convince him to take the jab?
Reader in Ajijic
Dear Reader: I know the person you are referring to and have, on different occasions, personally watched him shovel sashimi, menudo and steak tartare into himself. Each time he washed it down with cheap tequila. So, I understand your frustration. However, you must remember that he is a warm sentient individual who has feelings like we all do. Notwithstanding the fact that he is also a thick skulled idiot with the IQ of a sponge whose selfish and unprincipled behavior has caused innumerable deaths, immeasurable suffering, job loss and incalculable debt, you should consider one thing before you approach him: Is he holding a sharp object?
Dear Nabby: I heard that some wealthy individuals who don’t want to get vaccinated are paying poor people to get the jab in their name, making the rich ones eligible to fly to other countries on holiday. I live on social security and could use some extra money. How do I get in on the action?
Hard Up in Chapala
Dear Hard Up: Before taking this lucrative step, there are a couple of things you should know: 1) More than 100 booster shots is not good for your health and 2) the needle marks on your arm may be misinterpreted.
Dear Nabby: When will I have herd immunity?
Puzzled in Guadalajara
Dear Puzzled: You have he(a)rd immunity after a full week has passed with no one asking, “Have you he(a)rd the one about the traveling salesman and the farmer’s daughter?”
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