Final Wishes
I was on Facebook when an ad caught my eye. A brochure addressing death was featured, available at no cost, from a local funeral planner. I happened to know the man who co-founded this company. I made a mental note to ask him for copies of the brochure the next time we spoke.
The brochure was for a funeral organizer. Every time I think I’m on schedule for life organizing, things seem to reach a newer, improved level of detail. Life planning never ends. In this case, end-of-life planning is its own category.
When my husband and I did our last will, we decided we both wanted to be cremated and added this to our will (which I now know is not nearly enough) hoping that the family would be glad that we had such forethought. We thought we might prevent any post-death funeral arguments over what should be done with our bodies. There wouldn’t be a dispute along the lines of “but Aunt Sally wants the closure of seeing her deceased body!” vs. “She would never want people looking at her corpse!”
This week we had dinner with our friend who founded the funeral home. As promised, he brought me the package for post-life planning. The next day I sat down with a cup of coffee to see what was involved. I casually opened the brochure to the surprising number of decisions we would be making.
Sixteen documents were in one pocket of the brochure. Sixteen! The other pocket was for veterans, and it also contained numerous documents. Neither my husband nor I served in the military, so we only had one pocket of documents to address. I estimated this could take days based on the number of forms included.
The first brochure addressed the issue of dying while traveling. We still travel, so this caught my eye. I hadn’t thought about the complexity of getting a deceased person from their vacation destination back to the city where services would be held. Transportation of the deceased takes coordination with multiple parties. There is a company that can handle the task with specialized logistical and shipping specialists. They work with foreign authorities to obtain the required permits. Your family is coordinated with as all work takes place. Of course, there is a cost associated with this work. Payment plans are offered. I am disappointed to see what it can cost if one dies on vacation, far away from home. And varying laws in each locale make this situation quite complicated. I set Brochure #1 aside for later consideration.
A second brochure addresses “first steps” to take when a relative dies. The brochure cover looks like a professionally decorated, antique-furnished living room, soft pillows scattered everywhere, with ambient gold lighting. I look forward to opening the guide until I see that inside are three full pages of detailed instructions.
Consider cremation versus embalmment with an open casket. There are many decisions, depending on the choice made. The obituary is mentioned along with website publication in this modern era. My husband interrupts to ask me if there is an option for paid wailing mourners as he contemplates his own service.
The amount of information which must be furnished is mind boggling. Legal documents, photos, contacts of participants who may be involved in ceremonies. Of course, the method of payment for all of this must be decided. Oh, and who will pay?
If one chooses an open casket, there is a section that recommends what color and type of clothing should be furnished. Shoes are optional. Lipstick, foundation, and preferred nail polish for women are addressed. I have seen far too many poorly made-up corpses, orange faces telegraphing that the make-up artist never saw the beauty of the person when they were living. I don’t recall anyone talking about how the dead should be displayed, not even the people planning their own death.
Jewelry is one small mention. Who should any jewels be given to before closing the casket? I’ve seen a fight between family members, post death, regarding a diamond engagement ring. This one item could result in estrangements.
On the back of Brochure #2 cremation is addressed. There are options for the remains storage as well as final placement if the ashes are not scattered.
Flowers, refreshments, photos, and music must be planned. I am overwhelmed with all these options and the coordination work for the funeral home. I scan the remaining forms, which come with attached duplicates. Many are legal contracts for procuring services. If one doesn’t have ready cash, there are payment options. Cost estimates are detailed: Limos, hairdresser fee, cemetery fees, casket options, police escort, etc. The list is lengthy. Finally, there is loan paperwork for those who can’t imagine having the funds ready for all the items mentioned.
My shoulders sink. I am not sure what my wishes are. I have a new To-Do on my list. I hope I can get to all these decisions shortly, so that no one else is tasked with deciding what I would have wanted. There can be no AC/DC blaring “Highway to Hell” as I lie in a casket, glowing orange as friends mourn, “She never looked like this in life…”
Consider me properly motivated to get my own funeral package completed (and copies distributed!) to guarantee that my wishes are met.
And I will write my own obituary, thank you.
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