The Kiss Of Death
Some subjects are verboten. We know through etiquette training that the subject provokes discomfort in our audience. For instance, sex, politics, or religion are sensitive topics. One must know to whom they are addressing delicate subjects lest they encounter blushes, avoidance, or downright indignation.
I would add death and dying to this list of topics. This week I was at my medical massage. The massage was necessitated by surgery, but I have added an extra half hour to reap the benefits of stress relief and muscular stimulation. As we began, my therapist tentatively asked me for a favor. She is a sweet, generous individual and I had no idea what she would request of me. “Sure,” I replied, thinking I would not have to say yes if the request was too large.
“Would you write a letter of recommendation for me to be certified as a death doula?” she asked me hopefully.
I had heard of birth doulas before. I never had one, and don’t know how many people have used them. The idea of helping with birthing is wonderful.
I wish I had such help when I had my son many decades ago. I felt stranded on several critical occasions with simple problems involving sleeplessness, problems nursing, and being overwhelmed with the changes brought by a baby entering the household.
Now I am hearing of a person who specializes in death, the death doula.
My mind flashes back to many decades ago. A beloved family member had terminal cancer. While this person was in the hospital, he suffered a heart attack. Medical personnel went into automatic mode to revive him so that he could suffer much longer and die from cancer.
My uncle was a dentist, and I remember him seething. “Why on earth did they revive him?! It’s cruel. He will only suffer more.” This relative did survive much longer, only to wither away in an extended, dragged-out journey towards death.
I’ve since learned this is accepted medical practice unless families have clear, legal plans to prevent such a thing. I don’t think Do Not Resuscitate plans existed in those times. Even now, there are “In Facility” forms and in my state of Texas, there is a special “Out-of-Hospital” Do-Not-Resuscitate form that most people don’t seem to know about. This addresses, for example, a medical event in one’s home and EMS workers arrive and initiate standard practices to revive a patient.
My masseuse wants to obtain a scholarship to an international facility. Her request is earnest, and I can tell it is very important to her. I decide to research death doulas.
A quick internet search reveals that they are also called death midwives. They supplement hospice care, and their services can begin early in the journey towards death. They assist families and individuals in making plans which involve complex decisions. As one nears death, they provide support to the group, not just the person dying.
Although certification is not a legal requirement, a thoroughly trained and certified death doula would be what I would want. There is an international organization which provides certification.
My massage therapist has already told me that her favorite massage clients are the elderly. Additionally, she has discussed her healthy views about death and her open-minded attitude about varying faith’s views of death. I’m already thinking I’d like to enlist her services should I face terminal illness.
I can tell that death assistance is a calling, a passion. One doesn’t often encounter an individual who is so focused on the neglected subject of transitioning from this life.
I am thrilled that a new career opportunity has been presented. I am honored that I will contribute to helping someone provide such a critical need for persons facing their final journey.
Death can be less frightening and softer with the involvement of a doula.
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