Radiation Tour Of Japan
By J. C. Kottler
Ann Coulter, right-wing provocateur, assures us that radiation is good for your health. She writes, “…anyone exposed to excess radiation from the nuclear power plants is now probably much less likely to get cancer.” This gave me a wonderful idea for a business opportunity– the first “Radiation Tour of Japan.”
This is not like those cheap tours where they only let you near the damaged reactors. I guarantee to get you inside them, where you can get the full benefits of natural radiation. The first group of customers for my tour have just come back from Japan, and all have given me glowing reports of their experiences.
If anyone doubts this, come to my office, and I will show you testimonial after testimonial. Charles Esterbrook III, my very first customer, writes, “Before I left for the radiation tour, my doctor told me I only had three months to live. My cancer was rampant. Now, not only am I cancer free, but I no longer have trouble seeing in the dark. It’s almost like I have my own invisible headlights to steer my way through.”
I have a collection of crutches that would make Lourdes jealous. My formerly crippled patients walk now without the slightest trace of a limp, and several have become successful faith healers. When they put their hands on you, you really feel it.
Some of my patients report that they don’t need remote controls for their TV anymore. They just press the appropriate parts of their hands and it changes the stations and adjusts the volume. Cuthbert Twilly, of Boston Mass., writes, “Before I took your tour, I was a dull guy. Now everyone thinks of me as an electric personality. High fashion models lust after me, and movie stars envy me. I don’t need a microwave oven to cook food anymore, and I open doors automatically without touching them. Even my dandruff problem has disappeared, and I save money by not needing haircuts. I call it “the Bruce Willis look.”
The highlight of our tour comes on the last night, when you are entertained by our “Radioactive Review.” Our opening act, “The Tea Party Tappers,” has a dramatic entrance, a totally black stage, radioactive lights silhouetted around the black garbed dancers. Next, Pat Boone comes out with a foot long radioactive ingot and sings to it, “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.” The highlight of the evening comes when the blonde bitch goddess herself, Ann Coulter, makes a dramatic appearance. For years, she’s served up many a wet dream for her admirers. Remember, she was the first sexy Republican, long before that newcomer, Sarah Palin.
Coulter, the tall, blond bombshell with the never ending legs, is dressed in three inch black heels, slinky black dress and whip. She dramatically snatches the cylindrical, foot long ingot from Dick Clark and swallows it whole! The ladies faint; the men can’t stand up. Lady Gaga, eat your heart out.
I will soon add a “Take Out” department to my business. If Mohamed can’t go to the mountain, we can at least extract the uranium from the mountain and bring it to Mohamed. I will provide a much needed service to the nation by becoming the first mail order Radioactive Supply Company. We will only supply the very best uranium and all 15 isotopes of plutonium. We believe in only the best quality control for our product. You have our guarantee that every gram of radioactive material is stolen directly from the former Soviet Union. We don’t bother with the cheap stuff from Niger.
The mainstream media stupidly has labeled the events in Japan a tragedy. They even think that this is both a personal and economic catastrophe. Ann Coulter has proven that the health of the Japanese people will instead be improved. Now I have proven that the reactors can become the greatest tourist attraction in the history of Japan, the new Lourdes.
My company is planning to make it easier and easier to get your radioactive supplies. How do you like this as a name for our new stores—“Homer Simpson Drive Through Uranium Marts.”
For more information about Lake Chapala visit: www.chapala.com