How Federally Funded Condoms Ruined My Life

How Federally Funded Condoms Ruined My Life

By J. C. Kottler


holding-hopePresidential candidate Rick Santorum claims that federal support for contraception is “…a license to do things in a sexual realm.” In other words, he‘s against the Feds handing out free condoms.  Many critics call him a fool and a prude, but my personal experience shows he is right. Federally funded condoms have ruined my life and the lives of many others. My tragedy is the basis of “The Condom Principle,” which proves that government trying to help people actually hurts them.   

I used to be a dull, but happy guy.  Back in the 60’s, I was a small town, Southern sheriff. I had a beautiful wife and family. My job was mainly talking to people, there was almost no crime, and I got along just great with my deputy, Barney, who was also my best and dearest friend. Yes, the name of the town was Mayberry, the town Andy Griffith based his show on. But it had an unhappy ending in real life.

The Feds supported a Planned Parenthood Center in our town, and they started handing out  condoms on demand.  Like it was no worse to use these bags of sin than to use tea bags.  Well, I investigated their premises, but there was nothing I could do legally to close the place. As I left, their leader handed me a couple of condoms, saying, “On the house.” I put them in my pocket and forgot about them.  

While doing the laundry, my wife found the condoms. She accused me of being unfaithful, and that was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I got so angry that, in revenge, I really did cheat on my wife. I found that I liked it. Then it got to be an addiction. I even joined a group sex club, the biggest surprise of which was that Floyd, the barber, was also a member. One night he even showed up with my ex-wife. The sight of them together drove me crazy.  She never was that acrobatic with me.

I supplemented my Sheriff‘s salary with bribes from local moon shiners.   Later I became a member of the local drug cartel. When you join a criminal organization, they own you. If they tell you to kill your best friend, you do it or die.  They ordered me to kill my old buddy, Barney. He had followed the same corrupt path that I had, starting with government condoms and ending with him becoming leader of a rival criminal gang. I invited him to go fishing with me. Now he sleeps with the fishes.

My tragic story proves “The Condom Principle,” the theory that government programs diabolically corrupt our citizenry. Just as condoms encourage illicit sex, Medicare and social security encourage sloth. Toy safety regulations lead to soft and gullible children, and seatbelt laws encourage sloppy driving.

We must end all Federal aid, in general, to everything. The government should not save flood and hurricane victims. This encourages citizens to not prepare for disasters. If people do not have health insurance, the governments should let them die.  In case you think my views are out of the Republican mainstream, remember the Presidential debate audience wildly applauding to “Let them die.”

I am now in the “Big House,” the Mississippi State Penitentiary, awaiting my execution in the morning. I have begged the Governor to stop the execution and give me a full pardon. Big government is responsible for most of the ills of our society and ultimately responsible for Barney‘s death, not me. After all, it was the condoms made me do it.

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