By John Ward
A Not-So-Brilliant Idea for a Movie Script
The scene opens on a carwash owned by Geraldo… this is not that important since Geraldo never appears in the film and the Car Wash is never seen again.
1. Jennifer, whose real name is Heather reaches for a Coke.
2. Rex the filling station pump jockey is unaware that Bill Drool is on the way to kill him and his parakeet Nobby. Nobby has a diamond in his nest with which he hopes to attract a mate, but the diamond really belongs to Shirley who dresses as an anthropologist every Thursday.
3. Errol a homeless man enters the shop dragging a dead dog – Flimbo. He wants to sell him. Flimbo was killed in a freak laundromat accident and this will break the heart of his gangster owner Julio de Matosh, half-Portuguese half-Creole dwarf, with a dysfunctional family and an eye-patch.
4. Jennifer leaves a red lipstick stain on the neck of the Coke bottle.
5. We see in the reflection of her glasses that Car Wash operator “Ohio Jack” is approaching her. A tear runs down her cheek.
6. Harry Lyons the product of a broken family and the result of an incestuous relationship between his mother and his older brother Frank, walks into a bank owned by Gary Fistjamb. (Remember that Gary Fistjamb was an orphan who kept himself alive by becoming the neighborhood exterminator, using only an olive fork and a tube of Chapstick.)
7. Maggie Dragbottom hasn’t a clue who is knocking at her door, mainly because she’s actually at the home of her life-long friend Susan Boozhound the third when the knocking occurs. The knocking man leaves.
8. A man sitting on a trashcan explodes.
9. Errol, who has been unable to sell Flimbo the dead dog is seen at a hobo camp turning, Flimbo over a low fire made from local spruce, aspen and styrofoam.
10. Tommy Shitewallop the town undertaker and Exotic Restaurant owner lifts a fork to his lips and growls as his sister Blight Shitewallop tries to get a whiff of the new dish.
(Ed Note: Thank Goodness!)