Dear Portia – August 2015

Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

Dear Portia.

I’ve been reading about Female Viagra.  My girlfriend seems to be in need.  Any ideas about this, wise one?   Curious in Cosola

Hi Curious!

Here is the recipe for female Viagra:  a penthouse with a view, ( install a personal ATM for extra points), a Hummer with tinted windows, cover her bills at the restaurants and spas of her choice, and take her on occasional jaunts to the islands.  No prescriptions needed, minimal side effects and as much joy as you can handle.  The drugs are cheaper, so they may be more suitable for your budget, but do not be surprised if she takes off after the first gorgeous youngster she sees.  If she happens to overdose, you may not live to tell the tale. 

Dear Portia,

A woman I know just had her boyfriend of 4 days move in with her.  He speaks no English, and she no Spanish, but they DO communicate.  Is it a problem that she doesn’t know his last name?  Name Dropper

Dear Dropper,

First off, I’m assuming the woman is you.  As soon as you are able to come up for air, run a list by him of the names of outstanding Mexican families, starting with Slim.  Depending on when he moved in, you may want to check Guzman too.  If he does not seem to have some lineage, and you are rich, used to be lonely and love to share your wealth, then enjoy the ride, so to speak.  You may have a whole new lifestyle of shame, remorse and poverty to look forward to.  Happily though, there is a whole tribe of survivors here who will take you in and share war stories.

Dear Portia,

What is it with the ladies and their dogs here?  I’ve tried to get close to various women, but there was always some feisty snappish canine hampering things.  Ideas, please?   Down on Dogs

Dear Down,

You just barked up the wrong tree.  My Rottweiler does amazing life-altering surgery on your kind.  Beware.