WRITERS REJECTIONS: Egging the Window to Their Souls
By Ed Tasca
Come on, read this. Just keep reading. That’s it, go ahead, keep reading. That’s it… good. It is this text in any magazine that makes up its marrow, its essential content, something good writers spend hours sweating out just for you. So I hope you appreciate our efforts, BECAUSE…
If anything fills up the life of a truly fine and serious writer, I mean after alcohol, it’s rejection. It’s the part readers like yourselves don’t get to see. So I’m going to fill you in on what it’s like.
Most rejections of writers’ work are pretty thoughtless, boilerplate and idiotic… but they are still a “No, thanks.” I’ve had my share and here’s a sample, stuff that imbecile behind Wikileaks just released on the internet. To embarrass me among the Pulitzer officials.
Dear Mr. Tasca,
Thank you for your patience while we evaluated your insightful, Stay at Home Dads and the E.D. epidemic. Regrettably, we felt it shallow and pompous, given the crude writing, lack of originality and your poor grasp of psycho-social issues. If you’re interested in submitting additional writing, please consider our greeting cards division.
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Here’s one I just received:
September 30, 2016
Dear Mr. Tasca
We acknowledge that we have taken considerable time to review your Futuristic Fantasy, entitled 1992. What an imagination you have, especially the concepts of the Internet and what you called cyber-attacks and Sexting. Wow. Regrettably, much of what you have, has been done… many times now. So for any further submissions of futuristic work, please allow 24 years for us to respond.
Random House Publishing
Thank you for your submission. As you know we are a small publisher: And need to be very selective in our choices for publication. While your memoir, I Posed for Edmund Munch’s The Scream, has potential, we’ll have to pass. Last year, we published only two books we found worthy: 1. Tibetan Book of the Dead for Dummies by Ronald Dane and 2. The Serial Killer Cookbook by Ronald Dane.
Ronald Dane Press
Thank you for your interest in our press. Your writing is superb. Despite this, we feel your chapbook is probably not for us. But we wish you luck finding a home for your splendid “Judas Escariot’s Money-Making Tips.”
The Bible Belt Press
Dear Edgar Tashman,
We consider every submission we receive with meticulous attention and individual care, Mr. Edgar Tashman. But we are sorry to say your manuscript slash book of poems slash short stories slash memoir slash travelogue did not fit our current needs.
P.S. Because of how much we liked your work, we happen to have a special-rate offer this month on our script counseling and editorial analysis just for people named Edgar.
What an amazing job you did on your thriller, How Pokemon Go Led Me Straight to Jimmy Hoffa. It garnered kudos from everyone here. Unfortunately, we are a local publisher and only publish stories from writers living in Camden, New Jersey, between 16th and 18th St.
Camden Global Publishing
PS. There’s a fixer-upper available on 17th St. at a steal, if you’re interested in resubmitting.
Hello Mr. Tasca,
Thank you for your submission. We are always desperate for new and engaging stories about minorities. To that end, do you have anything featuring a straight white male?
Triple K Press
My response letter to rejection letters:
Dear Submissions Director:
Sorry you passed on my submission. Can you please give me a referral letter for my submission to university, a surefire endorsement for me, given that you are obviously a grad of Trump University.
And let me point out some things about me, tricks I’ve learned which, I believe, you overlooked. These all have great marketing and media potential when you accept my work:
I’m a raging, ranting xenophobe, which will get me tons of free media attention.
I’m in rehab a lot. Over suicidal thoughts I write in Christmas cards.
I get into newsworthy barroom brawls, mainly for reading Pushkin out loud at the bar all night.
I also have four ex-wives who like to write tell-alls about me. As you know, monogamous writers are all working at WalMart.
So you see, I am the real thing.
P.S. I am pro-split infinitive, but insist on back-ground checks and a 10-day waiting period.
Finally, here’s an acceptance letter I just received:
Thank you, Mr. Tasca, for submitting your detailed Mesoamerican History, including its many nations, major events, scientific achievements, and of course its influences on Western culture. But can you resend it at 650 words, with a bibliography?
El Ojo Del Lago
PS. I can go 700 words, if you will agree to deliver our magazine to Jocotepec.
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